Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Left Behind

Do you ever have those moments when you feel really old? I'm almost 27. I realize that to many people (including my parents) I am still a child. But today was just one of those days. A day when I kept saying to myself - do you realize you've worked reatail for 10 YEARS? Do you realize that you NEVER thought this was what you were going to be doing at 27? You were supposed to have a career, a plan, a life. You were not suppposed to be totally stressed out, working two full time jobs, barely sleeping at night, worrying about everything, living in a house that is NEVER CLEAN.
In case you can't tell, I'm unhappy. And I worry a lot. Ok, I worry A LOT. I worry that DH and I have NO job prospects for the coming school year. I worry that my house looks like a tornado hit it five years ago, and we've never recovered. I worry that I will hardly see DD for the ENTIRE month of June. I worry that this will cause her not to love me as much. I worry every day, as I drive my 30 minute commute that something will happen to my car. I worry that people don't like me. I worry that my wedding wasn't all it was supposed to be.
I hate working retail. I hate mean people. I hate people who speak down at me because I sell them crap. I dislike the woman I have to teach with for the next eight days. I hate that I have no idea what I am doing with my life, even though I keep thinking I have a plan.
But today I am struck more with sadness. Sad that I never get to see my mom, dad, bro and sis. Sad that my grandma will get another year older in a few weeks, and I'm lucky if I get to see her once a year. I'm sad because so many of my dear friends live so far away. I'm sad because one of my best friends, who I see every other year, is pregnant with her second child and I won't be there AGAIN. I'm sad because three of my friends are on their second child and I haven't even had a moment to contemplate having a child. I'm sad because I can't afford to have a child, especially the one I have now (BTW, she is my stepdaughter, in case there was any confusion). And I'm depressed, because for the next four weeks, I will have only stolen moments to knit and read, unless I give up sleeping.

Sorry there's not more excitement. Sorry to bring you down. I'm in a funk.

3 comments:

  1. Hi Jenn,
    I don't think you're left behind at all. I remember feeling many of the same things you talked about at your age. The whole baby thing hit me really hard in my mid to late twenties. I was 31 when I had my first child and 36 with the second. Now, I'm glad I waited. I've always heard people talk about mid-life crisis but I think, for some of us, it's more like a 20's thing. (My house still looks like crap and I never have time for anything, but the worry is less.)

    I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
    Donna

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  2. czefir6:20 PM

    I don't know you but I read your post and wanted to tell you: I'm the same age and I feel the same way. My life is not what I thought it would be. I was working retail for years too and hated it. My body finally rebelled by sending myself into an agoraphobic depression and I had to move back in with my mom....just know you're not alone.

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  3. I just read your blog. I decided to read other people's blog tonight instead of writing to my own.

    I'm 28 and I know EXACTLY how you feel. Now that I have graduated from school, I have no earthly idea what I am suppose to do with myself. I have been laid off 3 times in 3 years -- the last of which was because my fiance/gf is Polish. I have been unemployed for 3 months because of it in an area where my rent is $1100 and unemployment is $293/week. I had to cash in on half of my 401k to pay my bills for the last 3 months

    I deperately want children, but I can't afford a house to put them in. My wedding -- sad to say -- will be dissapointingly untraditional. And even if it could be I don't have any money for that, and I am the best off of my entire family.

    I'm here -- authoring a similar biography.

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